Archive for December, 2011

Dear Santa, You Suck

Christmas is here. And it has never sucked so hard.

My hatred for Christmas is coming on quite strong this year. There are just a few more days before the day itself arrives. In the meantime, painful visits with family occur, along with spending way too much money on gifts for people you don’t like.

I can’t pinpoint when Christmas was ruined for me, or how it was, but I think it has something to do with the myth of Santa being dispelled, and the mounting number of dollars I was spending each year on my parents, my sisters, my friends, and any small children my parent’s pressured me into “gifting.”

But at that age, I suppose Christmas was awesome. Christmas kicked ass. Breakfast was chocolates that came out of a stocking, and you got to play with a stockpile of brand new toys all day long – Not to mention the excitement of a fat man in a red suit jumping down your chimney.

You know what magic is and what it can do, but as a child, Santa Clause is the only person in the world you know of, that can use it. You have witnessed the magical act of Christmas morning suddenly appearing before you. It is more than just presents under the tree. Their appearance is magical, and the aura of the living room, with it’s Christmas lights left on from the night before, is beautiful.  It’s no wonder why kids get so excited; at that age, magic is real.

I remember when I was told the truth about Santa Clause. The look on my Mom’s face, and the tone in my Dad’s voice told me everything I didn’t want to know. Magic was not real. I would never become an astronaut or slay a dragon; Santa Clause did not exist and magic was stuff for little kids. My childhood grew a cancer then, and over the years, it slowly died.

Christmas was still a good thing even after I KNEW. Santa was a load of shit, and I gave my parents knowing winks during the ceremonial unwrapping of presents. It wasn’t until I actually had to pay for other people’s presents that I started to realize the brutality of the holiday season. The simple letter to Mom or Dad wouldn’t suffice. Nor would the “FREE COUPON FOR A BACK RUB.” I had to buy things now. With real money. And my parent’s weren’t going to give me that money.Snatch and grab Santa! Snatch and grab!

At first the presents I bought were cheap: necklaces, stuffed animals, a hat, etc. But after a while, they became more and more expensive, and I became more and more broke.

There is no joy in Christmas shopping. Most guys will tell you that they try and accomplish all of it within a 24 hour time frame. My general idea of a mall trip is similar to a tactical military insertion: Snatch and Grab. Any loose ends can be tied up along the way, ie a pair of ear rings for your girlfriend and the damn batteries for whichever useless electronic you bought at Radio Shack.

This is not how things get done though. At least not for me. I may own a Kindle, I may enjoy my vanilla soy lattes and even wear a sporty looking Columbia all weather jacket, but I am by no means a modern mall-going man. The mall does something to my brain that causes massive panic. It is an overstimulation of all my senses. To put it lightly, the moment I enter a mall, I feel like vomiting rainbows.

My idea of a Snatch and Grab is destroyed by the overpowering mind fuck of the mall. It has an extraordinary smell to it. This isn’t just during Christmas, but all times of the year. The thick smells of fried things drenched in sugar, body odor, cologne wafting out of Aeropostale, rubber and plastic MADE IN CHINA, chemical fragrances of janitorial cleaning supplies. It all swirls into the nostrils in one smell known as shopping smell.

To the ears and eyes, the mall is no less overwhelming, though it is less pleasant. It’s constant loop of Christmas music is a terrible thing to have to listen to again and again, but when it is combined with a plethora of screaming children, angry parents, annoying teenagers, and a disgruntled Santa Clause, the sound is unbearable. One thing I cannot stand is all the noise, noise, noise, nosie! Just like a little speck of Las Vegas landed on your hometown from outer space; it is just a giant neon sparkle, blinding in every direction and labeled with the very worst of consumerism.

 So, with sweat rolling down my forehead and an expression of utter terror on m face, I leave the mall with less than my very soul I walked in with. The mission a complete failure. My dignity and faith in humanity stripped.

This is adulthood, I suppose. The days when your physical prowess defined adulthood are long gone. Hell, the days when toil and labor defined adulthood are gone. Adulthood has become a commercial thing now.

I long for the day, when I can safely exile myself from my family (with diplomatic immunity), and pretend like Christmas no longer exists. Or at the very least, keep my money in my bank account and enjoy the holiday in other ways. Being secular doesn’t leave much room for me to be a good Christian, but I appreciate it still, and it is possible to celebrate love, good will, and happiness without losing your mind or all of your money.

Until then, Bah Humbug.


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Get Your Philosophy from a Bumper Sticker

I have grown more acquainted with today’s hipster.

Mind you, I live in a college town, so their long scarves and olive drab side bags are everywhere. I don’t care for them too much, but I do enjoy reading some of their bumper stickers.Today, I saw one that I hereby officially endorse as my personal mantra, and blogging slogan:

“Don’t Believe Everything You Think.”

No words can be truer. We are often deceitful of ourselves and where are heart lies, if only to fit in. A friend of mine (also under the hipster influence) told me yesterday a very good line as well: “Perception is reality.” I say this in light of the intense negativity, propaganda, and utter bullshit that has infiltrated all lives of the 21st century. Step outside yourself and ask yourself what you see and what you want.

Well said hipsters, well said.

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Same War Different Bill


How much does media dominate our lives? If your reading this post, it’s safe to say that it plays a significant role in the way you live, dress, eat, and think. Most importantly, how you think. The media – especially the news media – is an all around conflict of ideas, from every angle, that targets the human brain with misinformation.

Over the last couple of months I’ve been delving into the philosophy of that previous statement of information wars. Which is why the other week, when I read an article about the U.S. Senate hearing out a bill that will target Americans with military force, known as the National Defense Authorization Act (NDAA), I wasn’t worried.

According to some U.S. politicians, the world is a place of eternal conflict that we are all a part of. The “battlefield“, as it is described by Senators Lindsey Graham (R-S.C.) and Kelly Ayotte (R-N.H.), has been in existence since I was in high school. I have, like many of my friends, grown up in this “battlefield.” So when I am told by extremely liberal media sources that the U.S. Constitution is being ripped from the people, that the economic crisis and false flag operations are all signs that the GOVERNMENT is TARGETING YOU, I am not surprised, nor am I scared.

When I was younger I heard some very clear words in George W. Bush’s address on September 20, 2001: “You are either with us or you are with the terrorists.” Those words pierced my brain like a diamond spear, and to this day, I am still unsure how to interpret them. Good ol’ Dubya certainly had a way with speaking people (that even my first journalism instructor would admit to, after he met the man in person). It was a way that made your spine shiver with devotion. But Hitler was also a good speaker. It was that speech, and those words, that made me see  the lines of this “battlefield.” The righteous, the good, the Christian, the American, the white-washed people of fortunate upbringing; and the corrupt, the evil, the Muslim, the terrorists, the gay, the anarchists, the Canadian, and the people of the Third World.

That view is extreme, and obviously the thoughts of someone who hasn’t done enough of their homework to appreciate fully what the former President was saying. But it was also obvious that each person was to participate in this Global War on Terror in some way. There were things that were happening in the U.S. government, that I was just beginning to understand. I knew what the Patriot Act was, and I knew what it meant.

The battlefield is not of guns and roadside bombs, snipers and mortars – at least not yet. It is a battle of information, where news networks, the CIA, NSA, and FBI, instil fear in the people. The so-called “unbiased” news is becoming a burden on people, where the opinions of the individual matter more to those who have the same idea. After all, no major news network will ever change the minds of people on a large scale.

Needless to say, the NDAA passed, 93 – 7. And because history is written by the victor, yes, the world is officially a battlefield (yay!). Acting out against the U.S. will eventually lead to your demise.

People are going to hear what they want to hear. InfoWars has a video about the  NDAA. Those Americans crazy enough to want to fight their own government in an open war (with guns, bombs, snipers and such…) will eat up the doomsday terror tone, load their shotguns, pack their beans, and start siphoning gas from their rich republican-voting neighbor. The same thing happened when Saddam Hussein was hiding his weapons of mass destruction.

My mom (who is a hippy) is constantly lecturing me about the laws of attraction. She tells me, “If you worry so much about something, then you can make it a reality…” or something like that. Assuming she is right, I think the fear of  government tyranny is becoming stronger as more people feed into it (I’m talking to you, Occupy protesters). Fear is the medias sharpest tool, after all. The media shows us civil unrest in American cities, war in Afghanistan, failing economies. With these things, we are scared into hiding under the wing of an institution.

Yes, we are all potential targets for USNORTHCOM now. But did anyone think they could get away with terrorist activities before? (Look at the foiled plots.) I have met government hackers and other Homeland Security agents before. They are always looking for terrorists or information that will lead them to terrorists. I only ask that people rethink their fears. No one has a gun to your head, and until then, viva la liberte.

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